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Writer's pictureEsther Brownwood

Why being your own friend is worth it: A case for self-knowledge

knowledge

noun

knowl·​edge ˈnä-lij 

1

a(1): the fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association

(2): acquaintance with or understanding of a science, art, or technique

b(1): the fact or condition of being aware of something

(2): the range of one's information or understanding 

answered to the best of my knowledge

c: the circumstance or condition of apprehending truth or fact through reasoning : cognition

d: the fact or condition of having information or of being learned

a person of unusual knowledge


Dear Friend, 


Today, I’m here to make a case for getting to know yourself, how knowledge can help and hurt, and why we, at Camp Brownwood, decided to get into this line of work. 


Have you ever had a time in your life when you didn’t have your back? I sure have! It was not fun, so I’m here to tell you how I managed to develop a friendship with little old me. 


Growing up, I spent most of my life in direct opposition to myself. I was unhappy in the world, so connecting to myself seemed pointless. I felt like I didn’t fit in. I was in pain and had no idea why viewing myself as a friend would be helpful, let alone how to get there. 


Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked… 


All jokes aside, my life drastically changed due to a mysterious illness. I was thrown into deep waters I had always feared, largely alone. This sudden change of circumstances changed my life forever. Most of the friends I thought I had could not support me in my journey. Therefore, I was forced to view my unconscious pain and behavior consciously for the first time in my life.


With no friends in sight who understood my situation, I had no choice but to gain knowledge elsewhere. First, I started looking everywhere except within. It couldn’t have been my fault that I was sick, so there was no point in connecting with myself. I spent hours, days, weeks, months, and even years scouring the web for answers.


The search was disappointing and exhausting. Everything I found led me to more confusion. The information overwhelmed me. I was deteriorating physically, unable to leave my house and keep up with “regular” life. I was completely isolated and alone. 


I never understood when people spoke about never truly being alone, given that I felt alone my whole life. At this stage of my life, I had to come to terms with it. I was alone, and no one (not even the internet) could save me. 


I hit rock bottom. 


Some of the advice that I found online was to try meditation, which I felt a lot of resistance towards. I felt like I couldn’t just meditate and heal my debilitating illness. This was a mixture of guilt and shame over being sick and general truth. Meditation did not heal me. It did, however, give me the opportunity to connect to myself, which in turn paved the way for healing.


That’s when it all changed for me. For the first time in my life, I realized I was a person too. Flawed and imperfect, funny and annoying, full of love, pain, and fear. I realized that not having my back was exactly what the world, which I viewed as an enemy, expected of me. That was a world I had never been able to fit into anyway, so why would I conform with my self-hatred? 


I began practicing self-knowledge. I asked myself questions, journaled, and for the first time in my life, I attempted to answer them honestly. I allowed myself to see what all the pain inside me really was. It turned out a lot of the pain I was carrying was exactly due to my lack of connection and staying true to myself. It’s funny how that works.



Needless to say, I am here writing this for you because of these experiences. Had I never been so alienated that I had no choice but to connect to the only person left who could understand me (me), I’m not sure I would have ever gotten to this point. 


However, my message isn’t that you need to go through the years of pain that I’ve gone through in order to develop a loving relationship with yourself. In fact, I really hope you don’t! I’m here to urge you to start now! While you have a choice! 


Seeking knowledge doesn’t always help us know more. For me, it was a huge detour on my journey to healing. Sometimes, true knowledge comes from allowing your mind to quiet down and tuning into your inner workings with the gaze of a friend. I hate to sound cliché, but it truly worked for me. 


One of the reasons this camp exists in the first place is to share the knowledge that we have worked very hard to learn. We believe it is much easier to learn from someone who has been there before.


So, if you want to practice getting to know yourself in a safe and loving environment with people who were once at the beginning of this journey, consider joining us at our Camp Brownwood Self-Knowledge camp. 

Here, in just one week, you’ll have the opportunity to learn and practice the tools it took us years to discover. It is not always easy to be a person in this world. This is why it’s so important to develop techniques and tools that help not only our physical human selves in everyday life (because our nervous systems could use some love) but also our emotional and spiritual selves. 


We are full, complex, and intense beings with the capacity for an incredible amount of knowledge. Let’s make sure we are gaining it for our own benefit, not to meet the expectations of the world. I know this planet could use more people who consider themselves a friend. I sure could! So please join me, if not in camp, then in your own life, in practicing some self-reflection and loving awareness towards yourself! 


Grab a journal or open up notepad and consider any or all of these questions: “How can I best support myself today?”

“What does safety look like to me? Have I ever felt it?”

“What are three qualities I love about myself?”

“What are three qualities I dislike about myself?” Follow up with, “If a friend of mine told me they’re insecure about these qualities, would I judge them for it?”

“How does a day in my ideal life look for me?”


Questions like these help you connect to yourself and start a dialogue with the you who might be craving some attention and love. Sometimes, there is no better one better to give it to them than you! 


Try to be as open, honest, and non-judgemental as you can. It’s all a process, and we’re doing our best. 


As a finishing thought, I’d like to share a quote from one of my favorite poets, Andrea Gibson: “Beating yourself up is never a fair fight.”


Never forget, I have your back, friend, and I love you! 

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